A couple of pedantic analworts – Keef and Candace Marie – have taken possession of Haze and I’s mobile phones in the last few days. Here is a sample of their brainbot texticles
Candace M: Hello Keiff…I would like to talk to you at precisely 9.30pm Keiff. Would that fit in with your schedule Keiff?
Keef: Hello Candice . . . 9 31 please as i am currently making provision for paper clip management
Keef: Morning Candice M . . . Could you look in section 387.6 for books on the manufacture of sponge for me please . . . Presently i am eating porridge in circular chew cycles of 72 x 3
Candace M: Alright Keiff..I will save it for you on my ticket. Will you be at the Philately Club tonight Keiff?… If so I’ll meet you there at 6.23 Keiff
Keef: Yes i will be there . . But a little late . . . At 6.26 . . . While you are waiting you could read the gospel of Keef from the Book of Barry? .
Candace M: Don’t forget to bring your stamp album tonight Keiff….. I’m coughing!…
Keef: Please cough 5 times only please Candice
Silence (Candace Marie possibly sulking)
Keef: You should have sent that text by 7 39 Candice Marie! . . . I will be late now brushing my teef .
Still silence (Candace Marie possibly still sulking)
Keef: I cant find my keef teefpaste . . . Grrr! . .
More silence (Candace Marie has switched phone off)
Keef: I will have to go pinch . . . Sorry i meant . . Buy . . Another tube . .
Candace M: Hello Keiff, Spam sandwiches on their way to you at 2.45 precisely Keiff. I have reserved the book you asked for….we’ve had that lovely vicar in again this morning..asking for that ‘Fifty Hues of Something’
Keef: Samwhich already arrived and no red sawce on the spam Candice Marie . . . Is it still on the plate?! . . . I cant eat it now . . . Im rerequistioning some B578 dockets . .
Candace M: I’m so sowwy Keiffff…spilled red sauce on my woolley hat Keiff…I have to do a stock-take on all the books on…you know…that word we don’t talk about Keiff… beginning with ‘s’ and ending in ‘x’….I’ve just been looking at..’ The Joy of…you know what..Keiff..perhaps I could bring a copy home Keiff…it does look like fun…like physical excercises..and all that Keiff…
Keef: Dont be wude candice youll be asking me to kiss purple glove puppets next . . . Behave candice . . . Think of jesus .
Candace M: Alwight Keiff. Where are we going tomorrow Keiff…on our day off?
Keef: We are going to the garden centre to look for ornamental ducks
Candace M: Alwight Keiff..that will be lovely….meet you after the Library closes at the Philately Club then Keiff…?!?
Keef: Bring some rich tea biscuits and a flask of bovril . .
Candace M: Alwight Keiff……Prue wants to come too….Keiff…can’t leave her at home all by herself Keiff….
Keef: Ok . . . But im not kissing her!! . . . Only you . .
Ian: Ive locked Keef in the stationary cupboard . . . . . Im going to staple his head inside an A4 sized ring binder if hes not careful . . . Hes driving me nuts! .
Hazel: I’ve locked myself in the cupboard….she won’t leave me alone… HELP!..
……. What did we start!?!
All of the above will make much more (non) sense if you watch this Nuts in May film of 1976 by Mike Leigh (Candace Marie played exasperatingly brilliantly by Alison Steadman and Roger Sloman as scary Keef)